This Is How You Learn Prayer
by threader
Summary: [AU] [Fem!Rin] Rin knows of stories of God-touched people but she did not expect an Angel of the Lord offering her a path to salvation in a playground at twilight. She knows it'll be painful but her decision changes everything. -ON HIATUS-


**NOTE: I haven't been watching anime for lyk 3 years but I still read fanfics from various anime fandoms. This is** **based on EmInArEvOl's Hands to Heaven.** **I'm sorry EmInArEvol if you're ever reading this.**

 **If anything of these offends you: Inaccurate portrayal of religious themes, playing fast and loose with Christian mythology, genderbend...please turn back now. Don't read this if it offends you.**

 **Oh yeah, fem! Rin may come off as a Mary Sue so take warning for that. And oh, grammar, if proper grammar was a medicine, I would've overdosed by now. Also, sporadic updates because I'm applying for college this year and my dream university has a notoriously competitive entrance examination.**

 **Title is from Margaret Atwood's poem Quattrocento.  
**

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 _'This script means flashbacks or epigraph'_

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 _For Beauty's nothing_

 _but beginning of Terror we're still just able to bear,_

 _and why we adore it so is because it serenely_

 _disdains to destroy us. Each single angel is terrible._

 _And so I keep down my heart, and swallow the call-note_

 _of depth-dark sobbing. Alas, who is there_

 _we can make use of? Not angels, not men;_

 _-The First Elegy by Rainer Maria Rilke, Duino Elegies_

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A playground is usually a place brimming with laughter from snot-nosed children who would waddle their tiny legs on the various equipment for playing that would fill their innocent hearts with joy. Sadly, at this hour, there were neither children nor anything that made a playground an avenue for happiness.

The sun bathed the sky on blood orange and the remaining light of the bygone day stretched on the park where long, dark shadows of playthings froze in place.

In the silent playground, a lone girl sat on a swing. Her raven hair was rumpled and was tied in pigtails while her bangs obscured her eyes. The plain blue dress she wore was wrinkled in many places and had obvious tears on its puffed sleeves. The swing squealed as the girl sluggishly swayed the apparatus, it took only a few moments for the swing to completely halt but the girl made no effort to make it move.

Rin Okumura knew that her Papa had enough trust in her that she could go back to the monastery with her body intact. She told to her younger twin Yukio to go home first because her teacher told her to stay. She felt bad for lying to her brother because it's somehow a miracle that she was not held back to school today. At least, Yukio did not ask for the details. The girl had a record for beating up the boys who would pick on her brother. She always retaliated with her fists and she would always get caught red-handed that it was always her that got scolded and not a single one of the boys who bullied her brother.

Her habit to cause havoc in the classroom and onto the other children got her an unpleasant nickname: demon-child. Even the parents in her school made no effort to hide that they gossip around her. " _Do you see that child? Such a beauty if she's able to behave like a proper lady but no! She had to act like a savage. Sent that darling Kobayashi kid to the ER for shattering all the bones in his arms up to his shoulders. Yes! That girl did! Oh,by the way, have you heard of the bazaar two blocks down…?"_

Rin gripped the swing's chains tighter. The bullies' faces flashed in her head and she ground her teeth together. _"Oh! Here comes the demon-girl! You're a freak, Okumura-chan! You're not even a girl, you're a demon! And your brother's a little piss-"_

She punched the living daylights out of that boy even though she got scratches and bruises from that boy's cronies. She remembered the boys' unconscious and injured bodies on the stretchers and their parents' disapproving glares directed at her.

A slow realization dawned upon Rin. Normal girls don't beat up boys. Normal girls can't shatter all arm bones in a single punch. Normal girls don't throw tantrums and destroy the classroom in the process. Rin wasn't normal, she was a freak, she was a monster, she was-

"I-I…I'm not a…a…de-demon, damn it!", she sniffled. The girl felt something wet drip down her eyes.

She should've been angry; her anger should be reflected on her voice but all she managed was a broken statement. Utter hurt pieced through her being and tears continued to cascade down her cheeks, her shoulders were shaking and silent anguish emanated from her prone form.

Rin knew hurt. She had been in more fights than she could count and she had a fair share of bitter defeat. She went home with scrapes and scratches and cuts and bloody knuckles and swollen gums but she did not think that pain could go beyond the physical. Now she knew that words hurt more than any injury she could get from fist fights.

Words hurt. Words hurt. Words hurt and the malicious voices repeating a cruel litany of _"Demon, demon, demon"_ continued to echo in her mind.

The orange sky was reflected to the ground, apathetic of the girl's inner torment. Suddenly, a human-shaped shadow eclipsed the dusk light of the playground and Rin noticed the shadow move out of the corner of her eye.

"Hello", a melodious voice greeted.

Rin was startled and almost jumped in surprise. She turned to where the voice came from and her breath hitched on her throat.

The lady in front of her looked human- straw-colored hair in a wavy bob and blank hazel eyes which the girl found unnatural. In fact, the woman's face is devoid of any emotion and looked like she might poop anytime soon. Her white Mandarin collared button shirt was clean and well-pressed, this top was tucked into a pair of loose black slacks pulled up to her waist where a belt with gold inlay rested.

Raw glory radiated off her and Rin could only gape in both awe and fear. Some part of her felt fear because the woman's presence is something she should run away from fast and the other part of her felt fear because the woman was just plain incomprehensible.

The woman looked normal but that is where her attempt at being not-incomprehensible ended. It felt as if not all of her was here. Like great parts not for human eyes were tucked and folded beneath her immaculate clothes. She _exists_ , but her presence does not only appear where Rin sits but also in a place that's beyond the sun, moon and stars.

Rin realized that she must've looked like an idiot with her mouth gaping open but the woman crouched down to her level and raised an elegant hand to wipe away Rin's tears. The simple motion alone was too graceful to be human. Rin half-expected something to accompany the movement- a wild rustle of wings, blinding flash of unearthly metalworks, a thunderous choir- "Why are you crying?", asked the woman.

Rin froze, there was no feeling of anything in her voice. The question broke Rin out of her marvelous reverie about the woman. "My papa told me not to talk to strangers."

Something in the woman's eyes softened and a knot in Rin's stomach untied itself. "I'm Gabriel", said the woman, "We're not strangers anymore."

"My name's Rin, Okumura Rin", the girl blinked and tilted her head like a confused puppy, "I'm sorry, but isn't Gabriel a boy's name? And you're really good at Japanese even if you're a fro-for- forainer."

A faint smile tugged Gabriel's lips. "You're probably thinking 'foreigner'.", the girl brightened at the recognition. "I speak a lot of languages and Gabriel is the name my Father gave to me. Now, Rin, why are you crying?"

The young girl pouted. "I'm not! I'm not crying! I'm a big, strong girl and big girls don't cry!"

The woman stared at her, hazel eyes scrutinizing her very soul. Rin felt her normally indomitable will falter at Gabriel's gaze. She looked at the ground guiltily and felt tears prickling her eyes. "Some mean boys in school called me a demon."

Gabriel took Rin's hands and held them tight. "It's okay to cry, little child. Everybody gets hurt all the time but do not let their words put you down. You have a very strong soul and a strong will. You are pure of heart and do not let your heritage change who you are."

"H-heritage?", repeated Rin, "It means who my real parents are, right? Did you know my mama?"

"I'm sorry", apologized Gabriel.

Rin's eyebrows scrunched together. "What're you sorry for? Is it because I don't have a mama? It's okay. I have everyone at the church, papa and Yukio and I guess it's okay."

The unnatural woman gazed at her with pity. Then she smiled at her like she knew something Rin doesn't. "Do you want to see something, Rin? Promise me you'll keep it a secret."

Without waiting for an answer, dazzling light shone from Gabriel's body. Rin shielded her eyes, but bright spots still danced through her darkened vision. It was a stupid move, but Rin felt like the light will not harm her. She opened her eyes and her jaw dropped.

Through the shining illumination, Rin could make out a vague outline of glorious wings. There were six of them and each were covered by moving eyeballs with no coordination at the top part and rest were comprised of bright, metallic feathers of various colors. The girl couldn't see a body or a face, only the peripheral but Rin had a primal horror rising In her that seeing more of this being would be too awesome for her young eyes.

Rin's knees shook, she fell to the ground, terrified and trembling with fear. "A-angel", the girl muttered in wonder.

"Do not fear, Okumura Rin", announced the angel and it felt like a part of the universe was reverberating. "I am here to deliver a message.", the light receded and faded back to Gabriel's human shape.

"What message?", asked Rin who was still trembling. Her knees still collapsed to the ground. (She briefly wondered if she was pregnant but she immediately erased the thought.)

The woman (angel? Archangel?) had her eyes downcast. "You are a child of the Demon, Okumura Rin."

Rin's bright blue eyes widened like saucers. "Y-y-you're lying!", she stuttered. "Demon's don't exist and I'm not one!"

"Child when there is light, there must be a shadow that follows it. As such when celestial beings like us exist, so must infernal creatures.", Gabriel offered as a vague explanation.

Young Rin could feel another set of tears threatening to spill. "So, you're saying I'm a demon? YOU'RE LYING! YOU SAID I'M STRONG AND GOOD! WERE THOSE LIES TOO?"

The Archangel's expression did not change, it was still a countenance of sadness. "I swear to my Father in the Highest that I do not tell lies to you. I'm sorry but this is the truth your existence cannot escape from."

The girl was outright sobbing now. "It's true, then. *hic*. I'm… I'm a demon *hic*. I'm n-nothing but a monster."

"If it helps, your mother was a human with unwavering belief and a good heart. Your real father, however, is the God of Demons, Satan himself."

"S-s-Satan?", echoed Rin. Angels and demons were one thing. But Satan? A shiver ran up to her spine. The demon of all demons was her father?

"Yes, child", the Archangel said mournfully.

Rin had an ongoing battle on the inside. Here was an angel of the Lord telling her she was the offspring of the God of Demons. So if an Angel of the Lord would only confirm what the gossip mongering mothers and bullying kids was telling her what she was, was God just a big bully? No, it cannot be. She really hoped this was only a bad dream but Rin doesn't think that her not-so-smart brain could have the imagination to make this all up, especially the image of an angel's nerve-wracking form.

Everyone was right. Even the angel was telling her what she truly was.

 _The bullies chanting, "Demon, demon, demon…"_

 _Mothers in their long skirts and tight buns, "See that child…?_

 _Gabriel's androgynous face, "You are the child of the God of Demons, Satan."_

Something inside her broke. Rin's upper body convulsed. Arms shaking, she raised both hands to stop the flow of tears.

The archangel crouched down to Rin's quivering form and put a warm hand to the girl's cheeks as a gesture of comfort. Rin's blue eyes met the Archangel's void-like orbs. "Do not let your blood dictate who you are and what you do, Okumura Rin. Your mother was human and her blood is also running in your veins. You have the freedom to do anything good or anything bad. And free will is our Father's greatest gift your mother's kind."

Rin continued to look at the Archangel's eyes. "I'm not bad, am I?"

"No, child. Do not think for a moment that you are bad or evil. You have the great potential to cause harm just you are likely to be a blessing to others. Remember, being good is a struggle and it is easier to be bad or to give in to temptation but to do bad is a choice. Not something inherently born within you.", Gabriel elaborated.

"Are you here to only tell me that I'm a demon and I can still be good even if I'm supposed to be evil?", the child asked tonelessly.

"Rise, Okumura Rin.", declared the Angel of the Lord and Rin's quavering legs stood up on its own. "Our Father in Heaven sees more than a demon or a human in you. He sees that you are capable of receiving salvation despite your blood bounds you to Hell or Gehenna. I bring you a message of hope and redemption. For you have not sinned against our Father Most High and even the child of the God of Demons deserves a chance to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Am I really?", she questioned Gabriel, eyes shining with tears and a little hope.

"Yes, you have the blood of our Father's most beloved angel and he believes that you can be an instrument upon this realm.", replied Gabriel.

"An instrument upon this realm? Like a priest or a nun?"

"No, child. Something much more than that."

"It's going to be really hard, isn't it?". Rin already knew the answer. She always saw weary people going to the monastery for advice and heard the belfry toll for the funeral service often. She knew some stories of saints and martyrs and prophets and somehow, she is already aware that to serve God is going to lead her to a path of suffering upon this Earth and would likely to put her to death by execution. She remembered her papa hugging her tightly and her small body thrashing against him that she broke his ribs. _"Use your strength for a gentler purpose."_

Gabriel cupped Rin's face in her hands. "Child, it is always a painstaking task to serve Our Father in Heaven. It will be a long and painful journey for you to achieve. But Our Father believes in you. The question is, do you believe in yourself?"

Rin chewed on her bottom lip. She was only a child and serving God is a task even most grown-ups have a hard time dealing with. Heck, Archangels don't even appear to even the most devout followers yet here she was, talking to the Messenger of God in a park at twilight. But she has a purpose, right? A grand one or else the same angel who announced to Mary that she bore the Messiah wouldn't come down to visit her and declare a chance of salvation to the Daughter of the Devil.

Does she believe in herself that she would be able to serve God? Rin doesn't think she was capable. After all, she was only a child of seven years! But Gabriel said that the Father Most High believed in her so there was one thing she had to do: believe in herself.

"Yes! God needs me to be strong, right? So, I'll believe in myself that I'll be able to do what he asks of me!", said Rin with conviction.

Rin knows of saints and martyrs, most of them don't have the physical strength that Rin has but they had faith that made them special even after their death. Yes, some part of her was still in denial that she was a daughter of Satan but most of her believed in what Gabriel told her.

"Child, the path you are about to take is treaded by those who lived their life in utter misery. Do not take what I say lightly for serving Our Father is a great task. If you accept, you will be a conduit of the Divine Power and it will be very difficult. It will be a heavy burden to bear and you have to carry it until your body will perish. Will you accept without regret?", asked the Angel for one final time.

Rin clenched her fists. She was determined and she will not regret. Her answer to this question will change her whole life. With hesitation, she said, "Yes."

 **Word count w/o note: 2,702**

 **Lack of feedback can sometimes kill a fanfic author's self-worth. :)**

 **Please review. I don't care if it's an essay's worth of criticism or suggestion or just encouragement. Hell, I probably need the occasional flame to check my ego. Just please, take your time to type something in the box below.**

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